Siblings

Thoughts during Autism Acceptance Month.

 

When you have a one child with a disability and one who is neurotypical, you often hold your kids to different standards and expectations.  It doesn’t seem fair, but it’s just the reality, at least in my house.  Lulu is fifteen, and is still working on the very basics of life – writing her name and address,  getting dressed, answering yes and no questions, learning scaled down chores, following two step directions, asking for desired objects.  She is involved in very scaled down versions of activities that meet her capabilities, like pressing the "popcorn" button on the microwave.  Annie is 18, and is an academically advanced eighteen.  Over the years Annie has been involved in theater, Girl Scouts, softball,  and a variety of clubs.  At home there is an expectation that they will help with their little sister, and Annie, very much to their credit, has yet to complain.  There is not that same expectation for Lulu.  

Because there is such a large gap between Annie and Lulu, I often think that Annie is much more mature than they really are.  Even though efforts were (and are being) made for Annie to be a typical kid, they still grew up too fast.  Annie still has their own social issues that they're working through, but having to truly be the big sibling and role model for Lulu, Annie has made terrific gains themselves. 

I often find myself walking a tightrope in the fairness game. It's really not fair to Annie to always have to do the same things as Lulu, and the same applies to Lulu with Annie’s events. Often for Annie’s events we have a sitter because Lulu does not have the patience level to sit through some things.  However, when it comes to Lulu’s events and activities, we often drag Annie along for the ride, sometimes for the sole purpose of having someone else there to support Lulu.  Luckily, I think Annie actually enjoys it because they are Lulu’s biggest cheerleader.

I often say that Annie is the best big sibling to Lulu. I mean that with all of my heart. But Lulu is the best little sister for Annie.  Lulu brings out levels of kindness and compassion in Annie that are rare in siblings.

"If you want to know how you should treat someone with special needs, just look to their siblings. They will show you.'